I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Found the puke drawer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
