one two three fourrrrnication!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
