So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
