Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my being single is dangerous.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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