We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
