can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
