Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
accomplished twins. life is a go
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
