smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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