Cold hands, warm shart.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
