i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
