I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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