when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish my penis had an off switch
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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