Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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