I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize