if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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