every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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