i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
