Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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