You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
