He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
