Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
