i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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