We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
