If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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