Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize