a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
did i walk over a car last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
