i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
