dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
