i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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