don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
