Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
