She is in my trunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
