every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
