jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
