The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
