I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
