Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
