I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
