I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
