ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
