it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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