just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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