I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
