just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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