The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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