Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
