Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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