literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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