I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
