Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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