Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
