tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
