Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
