Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
