i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
