i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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